For some reason, God often uses movies to help me process big issues in my life. Even movies that I have seen many times. Last night at about 9:00, I decided that I just had to watch the movie Five People You Meet In Heaven. I haven't stayed up that late--on a work night--on purpose for a long time but it seemed necessary so I did. I stayed up and watched the whole thing. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety lately and after watching the movie I got the message. I still need to work on forgiveness. After looking up movie quotes to help me get a place to start, I am asking myself two questions: Why did I need to feel what I felt and why do I not need it anymore?

I've Got You Covered

This is my verse for today: Ephesians 6:10-17 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. This is what this passage of scripture means to me today—in other words, this is what God is saying to me today through His word: Suzi, you don’t have to be strong in yourself. Find your strength in me. Don’t try to “handle it.” Use the protection I have given you to walk through this day and to stand up against the enemy. You aren't battling against the people who have caused you harm, now or in the past. You aren't being attacked by circumstances or situations. They’re only momentary, unintentional tools in the hand of the real enemy. Again, put on the protection I have given you so that when days like this come, you will be able to walk through them. When you've done this, that’s all I need you to do--stand firm in the truth. My righteousness covers all of your sin-debt. You are blameless in my sight. Walk in peace, wherever I lead you and through whatever we walk through. Remember that your mind is protected by the sacrifice of my Son. Raise your shield of faith: I am who I say I am. I do what I say I will do. You are who I say you are and you can do all things through me. My word is alive and active in you. And use the sword I have put in your hand. My Holy Word. I haven’t always understood the application of the “full armor of God” but as I began to read the description here in Ephesians and started really asking God to show me how to “put it on” this is what it has come to mean to me: The helmet of salvation: protects my mind from depression and anxiety The breastplate of righteousness: I am forgiven and clean in the sight of God because Jesus lives in me The belt of truth: I know the truth (God’s promises) and the truth sets me free Shoes of peace: I walk in peace—through whatever The sword of the spirit: The battle weapon that is 100% victorious and effective against the enemy The shield of faith: the knowledge that I am who God says I am; that I can do all things through Him; that He is who He says He is and does what He says He will do; and that His word is alive and active in me. It isn't automatic though. I have to remember that I have it, then I have to pick it up and use it.

Rock On!

Psalm 18:19 says"...he delivered me, because he delighted in me." Psalm 18 has been foundational in my journey out of the dark hole of depression as well as Isaiah 43 and Psalm 40:1-3. Again, though, I find myself in darkness. I believe I have been delivered. Psalm 18 is past tense after all, but I also realize that my freedom is a journey rather than a destination. It seems like it should be easier to climb out of the pit this time because I have done it before. Honestly, it isn't. At least it doesn't feel easier in the process. What does give me hope though, my Ebenezer Stone (1 Samuel 7:10-13), is the truth that God's word has brought me out of the deathly darkness and into the light of life. In 1 Samuel, the Israelites were in a battle with the Philistines and it wasn't looking good for Israel. Samuel offered a sacrifice to his God and the Philistines were defeated. They placed a stone in the place of that battle to remind them of what God had done for them. So now, battling the darkness again, I will not fall into discouragement. I will not give up the fight. I will turn the battle over to my God through the sacrifice of praise and remember my Ebenezer Stones. He has brought me out before and He will do it this time too. Praise His Name! In my weakness He is made strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10) The truth in God's word is the way out. Lay your Ebenezer stones along your path and you will always find your way.

A Blessing by Mistake

My husband and I usually ride to work together in the morning. I start work later than he does but there is a space at the church that I can use to write and that gives me a dedicated time each day to do that so I get up and go in with him. Today though, Valley Girls starts so I need to stay after work and, since I didn't want him to have to come back in later to get me, I am staying home and driving my self in later. I was going about the "getting up" process in a much more leisurley fashion when I caught myself running all of the things that I thought could happen in this day through my mind. Things like unpleasant comments from people. How their faces would look when the uttered the comments. How I would feel and how I would respond back--if not out loud, at least in my mind. Then, thank God, I stopped myself and remembered that I am not focusing on such things right now. As I sat down to connect with God, I read today's passage in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (a great devotional if you are looking for one)and one of the scriptures was Proverbs 19:23 which read: The fear of the Lord leads to life, And he who has it will abide in satisfaction; He will not be visited with evil. It really spoke to me because I think fearing the Lord is honoring the Lord and that is exactly what I am aiming to do with this whole "love God; love others" mentality. I like the promise of abiding in satisfaction and not being visited by evil. Who wouldn't, right? I know that God's word is alive and relevant to each of us, every moment of each day but when He helps me to really stop and recognize it in a personal way, it excites me So I finish my Abide Time and grab my computer to write. I decide to blog about this Proverb and how it applies to what I want to focus on today. The sun is up a little higher now and my living room is a little more lighted. I refer back to the reference and it wasn't Proverbs 19:23 at all. It was Proverbs 29:25. At first I thought I must have read it without my glasses. I had them on so that doesn't fly. I looked up the passage that was actually printed in teh book and here is what it was: Proverbs 29:25 New King James Version (NKJV) The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe. Wow! This one pertains too! So many of the negative thought processes I struggle with stem from a fear of man. God is so interested in our daily lives. His word is here to guide, encourage, and bless us in every situation every day. Again, when I take the time to recognize this, it really builds my faith. PS: I write in paragraphs, with indent and spaces. Why does it end up all jammed together?

Day two...

Today I messed up several times. I talked about someone in an unfavorable way, responded to some people selfishly and made some comments that were intended to make someone look bad to others. I know this is ridiculously honest but I really want to work on the issue of being a person that loves others well. Looking at my intentions and responses this closely is helping me become more aware. On the upside, I think I did better than if I hadn't been paying attention. Also, when I got home I had a serious burst of energy. Maybe I had a reserve because I didn't waste as much energy being negative...?

Putting Myself On Hold

Well, today I will be looking for opportunities to practice loving God and loving others and I am determined not to waste this day. I think the key to the love part is to put my own feelings, knee-jerk reactions, and perceptions aside, at least long enough to think about the kind of person I really want to be and how that "that woman" would respond. We'll see how it goes.

What Difference Does a Day Make?

Yesterday I gathered with the family and friends of a true Princess that has gone home to be with her Prince, Jesus. Today in church, someone asked me if I was close to Colleen. I stopped for a moment, trying to decide how to answer that truthfully. Finally she rephrased the question, "She wasn't in your inner circle?" "I said no, but I really loved her." I met Colleen about 13 years ago. We were two single moms who attended the same church, lived in the same neighborhood and had sons in the same grade at Parkway Elementary. We became involved in the same ministries at church over the years and had spent time visiting, sharing life experiences and laughing for sure but it felt like when asked if I was close to her, it would be bragging to say yes. Colleen had been sick for a few years but I really believed her illness, while impacting her quality of life, wouldn't shorten it therefore needn't have a huge impact on my relationship with her. "She'll be around," I assured myself. Over the years I witnessed Colleen doing exactly what God asks us to do: love him and love others. This truth about Colleen was beautifully illustrated at her celebration of live by Pastors Brad and Sue Bramlet and by family and friends who shared their stories and their hearts. She truly loved her sons and proved that with every hour she worked, every prayer that she prayed and all of the days she lived,her priorities in order. One of the most precious ways she showed her love to me was when my mother was in the hospital, dying of brain cancer.Colleen worked in the lab at the hospital. On her lunch hour, instead of taking a break, she came and sat with my mom almost daily. Her face was one my mom looked forward to seeing--a bright spot in her day. I have learned that she did this for many people. After listening to people share about her life yesterday, and thinking about who she really is, I realized two things. It is possible to go through each day with a positive attitude no matter how much your reality demands otherwise and that no day should be wasted. From my perspective, this is how Colleen lived. Her life wasn't easy. If anyone had reason to complain, it could have been her, but she didn't. And I truly can't remember her ever speaking negatively about anyone or any situation. Her good friend Kim nailed it when she said, "When I grow up, I want to be like Colleen." I am taking this to heart. I want to really internalize that is does not make life better to speak out negative words. And I am purposefully focusing on not wasting another day. Now "not wasting a day" for me no longer translates into going as hard as I can and staying as busy as possible. It simply means learning to live a life that makes loving God and loving people PRIORITY ONE. Not speaking out negativity doesn't make one a Pollyanna. It's a sign of a mature follower of Christ. I am excited to seek this inner change yet it intimidates and scares me. I believe though that it's only way to travel, so here I go. When I fall, I will look up, dust off and keep walking. Maybe you are already walking this journey and can encourage me along the way. If so, please do :) If you feel like you are wasting days, how would your life be different if you made it your focus to do what we are all called to do...Love God and love others? What does that mean to you? How would that look?